Abandoned

What is grief? It's hard to describe. Is it an emotion? A state of being? A psychological impairment? All of these things? I had to look it up and asked those questions. This is what I got:

"Grief is primarily categorized as a complex psychological, emotional, and physical reaction to loss. Rather than fitting neatly into a single bucket, psychologists and medical professionals view grief as a process or state of being that encompasses multiple categories at once:

1. An Emotion (and a Collection of Emotions)

While people often talk about grief as a single emotion, it is actually a primary response that contains a spectrum of conflicting emotions. These often include:

• Deep sorrow, sadness, and longing

• Anger, rage, or resentment

• Guilt, regret, or self-blame

• Fear, anxiety, or vulnerability

• Temporary numbness, shock, or emotional detachment

2. A State of Being

Grief alters how you experience the world, your body, and your identity, making it a temporary or ongoing state of existence:

• Cognitive / Mental: Grief impairs memory, concentration, decision-making, and focus (often referred to as "grief brain").

• Physical / Somatic: It physically affects the body, causing fatigue, chest tightness, digestive issues, changes in sleep patterns, and altered immune function.

• Existential / Spiritual: It often reshapes a person's sense of meaning, purpose, routine, and belief systems.

3. Official Medical and Psychological Classifications

• Clinical Psychology: Grief itself is considered a normal, natural human response to bereavement or loss, not a mental illness.

• Diagnostic Classifications: When severe grief remains unintegrated and debilitating over an extended period (typically beyond 6–12 months), clinicians categorize it under Prolonged Grief Disorder or Complicated Grief.

  
  

If you need to define it concisely:

Grief is a multi-dimensional response to loss—encompassing emotional, cognitive, physical, and existential dimensions rather than a single feeling.

Love is a connection, and grief is often described as the natural continuation of that connection when the object of love is gone—the processing of love with nowhere to go.

I agree. It is ALL of those things. But there is another thing that I would add that describes what grief is. Grief is a place. A dark place. A painful place. A cold place. A scary place. A cruel place. A lonely place. A place of abandonment. I've learned since being transported to the land of grief, that people you once thought were close or cared about you or loved you, actually weren't and don't. Family and friends.

In this dark, painful, cold, scary, cruel, lonely place, you are abandoned by those you thought you knew. People show up to the funeral and they may check on you for a few weeks after that. But then, they disappear. You never hear from them again. The relationships are over.

Why? I can't say with 100% certainty, but I have my ideas:

• You're tainted. You're poison now. You've been touched by death and they want nothing to do with it, and therefore nothing to do with you. It might be contagious.

• You're no longer the person you were before. Not as fun, not as funny, not as happy-go-lucky, no longer the life of the party.. You're sad, depressed, despondent, a Debbie Downer.

• They're uncomfortable with your pain. They don't know what to say, is what I keep being told. So your grief becomes about them and their comfort.

• They don't care and are just glad it's not them.

My feelings on my ideas? They were never what I thought them to be. My loss has revealed them for what they were all along and removed them from my life in which they never belonged. They are not missed.

I don't have the capacity to make them comfortable with my pain and shouldn't have to.

I can't care about people who don't care about my family and me.

I won't chase people who chose to walk away.

I can't forgive their cruelty.

They are gone forever, like my son is. Their time in my life had an expiration date.

The surprising thing is, new people have taken their place. Some are strangers, some are people I formerly considered just acquaintances., some are family I wasn't close to. These people showed up. These people check in. These people aren't scared of catching death. These people are not worried about being comfortable. These people don't expect me to make them feel good. They are okay with my pain and my tears.

To those whose time expired, oh well, so long. To those who have stepped in to help me bear this weight, thank you for your bravery, compassion and love. You are my true friends and family and have a special place in my life and in my broken heart.

As I sit in my rocking chair in my room, living out my sad days, I will never forget you. Those who abandoned me, you're already forgotten.